Burning money is way more than just the act of putting flame to silk-impregnated paper -- it's a state of mind. If you've ever felt that the commercialization of American society and culture is way out of control and that we need to get a handle on our relationship with and worship of the Almighty Dollar, you could be a prospect to become an altar boy, novitiate, doctor of divinity, or even one day Assistant Low Priest in the First National Church of PyroCash.

Before considering such a bold move as joining this burgeoning priesthood, you should try it out for yourself to see if moneyburning is for you. Start at the bottom -- a single dollar bill is fine for beginners -- and slowly work your way up through the denominations. After about a month of steadfast daily religious practice, you may be ready to fire up your first hundred-dollar bill. During this process, you may find it useful to keep a diary of your spiritual growth. As the bill begins to burst into flame, observe carefully how this act of patriotic rebellion makes you feel. Is there a tingling in your fingers as you clutch your match or Zippo? Do you hum The Battle Hymn of the Republic or other jingoistic anthem? Do you find yourself strangely compelled to hang onto the flaming bill a second or two longer than you really should?

You should know from the beginning that immolating money carries significant risk -- and we're not just talking legal exposure, but grave psychological consequences as well. This whole thing is rapidly evolving into something of a cult, with its own elements of insidious mind control and crippling addiction. Let's get real: Here's the deal. Once you get started burning money, you will soon find that other pastimes and hobbies pale by comparison and fall by the wayside. With such a profound shift in priorities, you are sure to neglect important matters around the house or at work. In fact, you may lose your job, your house, your spouse, and your children. If this happens to you, don't feel slighted or sad: such minor sacrifices may be required in the service of your new faith. At any rate, should you become ensnared in the clutches of this powerful new religion, don't complain to us that you haven't been adequately warned.

Even with tax-exempt status, all churches struggle just to get by, and are sorely and continually in need of assistance. Having discovered the ecstasy and rapture this act can cause, you may experience a feeling of extreme gratitude toward us and want to express it. This is perfectly normal. At such times, you may be saying to yourself: But, lucidscreamers! I'm just one guy. What could I possibly do to help?

We'll be blunt. We require a steady infusion of funds to continue our reprehensibly subversive activities in service to society and the greater good. An organization such as ours literally needs cash to burn, and yours will do nicely. Any money you donate to lucidscreaming through PayPal [VISA and MasterCard are accepted: click on the link below] will be joyously burned in your name at our next cash conflagration! Give generously -- and often!
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DISCLAIMER: If you must incinerate money, please do so responsibly -- and at your own risk.

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